


Mean Dwarves

by DurinsFolk_Shenanigans (sd_h)



Category: Mean Girls (2004), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Teen Angst, The Hobbit AU, mean girls meets the hobbit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:50:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sd_h/pseuds/DurinsFolk_Shenanigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After moving to the big city of Erebor with his mom, Bilbo Baggins finds himself in the greatest battle of his life </p><p>Fitting in at a new high school...</p><p>This is basically Hobbit meets mean girls. Shenanigans will ensue.</p><p>Forgive the slow updates on this story. It will be updated, I promise, but it will be random.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mean Dwarves

**Author's Note:**

> Life has sucked recently and I really needed something fun to write. My other work The Durin Consort is angsty as hell, so this story gave me a happy outlet. Fear not for those who follow that story. A new chapter will be up next week.
> 
> There are no dwarves, hobbits, elves, etc. in this story. Everyone is human. I was going to change the title when I posted it but 'mean dwarves' just sort of stuck. Oh well.
> 
> Also, don't read into the parings too much. There will be a pairing that turns romantic eventually, but for now it's all friendship parings. It's not a Bilbo does Middle Earth type story. Although that would probably be fun too!
> 
> This story is the result of me writing a new chapter for TDC and watching Mean Girls at the same time.

There's a moment in everyone's life that they remember forever. And then there are those moments everyone wishes they could forget. This sort of falls somewhere between those two.

For Bilbo Baggins, it was the day he met Thorin Oakenshield.

But we'll get to that in a moment.

Moving to a new town and a new school should have been a fresh start. A means to reinvent himself as the cool, mysterious new guy. Unfortunately Bilbo was neither cool nor mysterious. Coming from a town so small it was barely marked on a map and having your nose in a book all the time made you weird.

But it was a necessary sacrifice to move to the big city of Erebor when his mother was offered a job at the university. She couldn't pass up the opportunity.

So Bilbo said goodbye to the small town life he knew. He and his mother packed their bags, their two cats and moved from their home in the small town known as the Shire.

"It'll be an adventure!" His mom said with feigned enthusiasm as they drove away from the only home Bilbo ever knew. His dad had built their cozy house in Shire just after he and Bilbo's mom got married. Though she tried being happy for the both of them, he could see in his mom's eyes that leaving the home her beloved had built with so much love was painful. After his father's death, they simply could not afford to stay any longer on her single income as a teacher in the small local community college.

When the call came from one of her old professors and long time friend with an offer of a position at the university in Erebor, and a significant pay raise, Belladonna Took-Baggins could not say no.

Actually, she did at first. She was distraught over uprooting her son in the middle of his high school career, but Bilbo knew this was a dream his mom had put on the back burner for far too long. She simply had to take the job.

A lot of tears, a phone call to professor Gandalf to accept the job, and one bitchy real estate lady later, their house was sold and Bilbo found himself in a new two bedroom condo on a busy street and a new school to face the next morning.

It was going to be great...

 

* * *

 

"Here's your lunch." Bella passed him a brown bag with _Bilbo_  written on it in large, permanent marker. As if somebody would try and steal it from him. Bilbo doubted the words f _uck off_  written on it in bold sharpie letters would detour a lunch stealing bully but he kept his mouth shut. "Here's a few bucks for a drink. Don't forget to catch the bus home. Now do you have everything you need? Paper, pens, house keys, your phone and inhaler?"

He fought the impulse to roll his eyes. It wasn't his first time going to school and since he had suffered from asthma since he was a toddler, he always had an inhaler close by. Bilbo knew she meant well, so he humored her mother hen routine this day. He nodded with a grunt, swallowing down the last of his orange juice before following his mom out the front doorway.

"I should be home by six. You have my number if you have any trouble, right?" His mom asked as they climbed into their lime green VW Beetle. "If I'm going to be any later than that, I will call. I left money on the counter so order a pizza if you get hungry. We'll make a run to the grocery store when I get home."

Bilbo nodded along as his mom listed off everything. She did that when she was nervous, chattering until someone stopped her or until she ran out of things to say. Bilbo had picked up that little trait, among many others, from her. They turned onto the main highway, not needing to journey too far to get to Bilbo's new school. He watched carefully as they drove, noting the surrounding landmarks and street names, filing them away just in case.

"Lock the door as soon as you get home!" Belladonna demanded as they turned into a large parking lot, stopping at the end of the long car line that curved around to the front entrance of the massive building. "Do not under any circumstances open the door to strangers. This is the big city, sweetheart. You never know who could show up at the door."

Bilbo snorted. "Then how would I order pizza? A stranger will be delivering it." He almost regretted his attempt at being snarky when his mom cut her eyes at him with a withering look.

"If they don't have pizza in their hand, you do not open the door." She replied with a hint of amusement, turning her gaze back to the road as the car inched closer and closer to the student drop off.

"Yes, ma'am" Bilbo replied automatically. He didn't show it with his nonchalant attitude towards everything, but being in such a large city was a bit terrifying. He grew up in a place where everyone knew you in some way or another. If he got lost, which was near impossible in such a small town, he could always ask a passerby. He likely knew them, knew someone they knew, or was related to them.

Erebor was massive. A hundred times bigger than his hometown and god knows how many people there were hidden in all those houses and high rises that climbed into the air. Bilbo had to acknowledge that his mom was right about being cautious. He had a higher chance of running into a few unsavory individuals here than ever before.

Little did he know, he would run into them so soon.

“Are you nervous?” His mom placed a calming hand on his shoulder, smiling brightly as Bilbo bravely shook his head. Lies. He knew she saw through it. “It’s all right to be nervous. To be honest, I'm a bit nervous about my first day too.”

Bilbo turned his eyes to the masses outside the safety of the car. “What if I don’t fit in?” He mumbled, a flutter of butterflies and a hint of nausea twisting his stomach.

Bilbo had a hard enough time fitting in with kids he grew up with and a school of under five hundred students. How the hell was he going to find his way in a school that had more students than the Shire had in population? At least it was Tuesday. People tended to be less moody when they suffered a case of the Mondays. He considered it an advantage.

“You will find your place amongst them, Bilbo.” His mom pressed a kiss to his forehead, dragging him across the center console into a hug. “I love you, my sweet boy.”

His confidence didn’t improve a great deal, but it gave him enough courage to at least get out of the car and walk through the school entrance.

There were people spilling out from every angle as Bilbo made his way through the double doors and down the long hallway to the main office. He took a few elbows to the back and nearly lost his footing a few times in the hustle and bustle of the high school maze but he eventually found his way without injury.

Bilbo slipped into the brightly painted office, baskets full of papers with neon colored post it notes labeling what went were lining the counter top. A few fake potted plants were nestled in the corners of the office to bump up the decor, the plastic leaves looking unnaturally green under the rows of fluorescent lighting. There was a severe looking woman behind the desk, her fingers rapidly moving over the keyboard in front of her, paying no mind to Bilbo as he shuffled up to the counter.

"Uh, pardon me?" He cleared his throat softly. The woman's eyes darted to his briefly with a look that told Bilbo to shut up and wait. A few more clicks on the keyboard and the woman turned her full attention to him.

"Yes?"

"I'm uh, new here. I just came to get my schedule." Bilbo murmured. He was never good around intimidating people. The receptionist raised a brow at him, her features softening a bit, but maintained an all business demeanor.

"Name?"

"Bilbo Baggins."

She turned to a large file cabinet that covered the whole back wall, flipping through the files with practiced ease before pulling out a manila folder label B.Baggins and retrieving a small sheet of paper from within.

"Hmm, you're a smart one, I see." She commented kindly. "Honors classes. A few senior classes as well."

Bilbo flushed at the unexpected compliment from the stoic woman. Smart he was. Skipped a grade in primary school. It was the result of having a mother that was brilliant and a father that pushed for excellence in all things.

Bilbo took his schedule from the receptionist with a quiet thanks, turning back to the door and merging back into the frantic traffic of his fellow classmates.

 

* * *

 

 Room 602-B, Mister Norman Ri's class.

Thankfully the class looked just like any other. Rows of desks stretched to the back wall, and a generic metal desk at the head of the classroom was covered with papers and a nameplate with gold letters reading 'Mr. Nori'. A whiteboard covered with equations in dry erase marker and a poster taped in the corner that read _keep calm and show your work!_  was the focal point of the room. Bilbo wasn't sure what he expected, but the normalcy of the class eased the tight coil in his belly.

The desks were already filling with students when Bilbo entered the room. He usually aimed for the front row, but as a new student trying to not be labeled as a dweeb on the first day, he set his eyes on a less obvious place among the sea of youth. He made eye contact with a pair of chocolate brown orbs briefly, the boy’s equally brown hair long and hanging wild around his face. A smirk tugged at his lips as he watched Bilbo fidget nervously at the front of the room.

Bilbo ducked his head and made a beeline for one of the desks along the wall next to the staring brunette boy, placing his heavy backpack on the floor by a desk behind a pretty red haired girl.

“You don't wanna sit there.” The dark haired boy said, not looking up from the doodles he was drawing on the wooden desk. “Tauriel’s boyfriend sits there.”

Just as the words left the boy's mouth a tall, blonde and rather handsome boy sauntered into the room, eyeing Bilbo distastefully as he slipped into the seat behind the redhead. She immediately turned with a dreamy glaze over her eyes, snatching the blonde dude's shirt to pull him into a sloppy and stomach churning kiss. Bilbo watched with thinly veiled disgust as the two swirled their tongues together obscenely, dragging his bag away from the desk and hoping their saliva didn't drip on his canvas pack.

He skipped the seat directly behind the two enthusiastic lovers in favor of the empty place next to an awkward looking strawberry blonde boy who was watching with amusement as Bilbo flopped down in the chair. Attempting to ignore the slurping sounds in front of him and the staring eyes beside him, he tugged his book and notebook from his bag, keeping his face down and taking longer than necessary to dig around for a pencil to keep the pink blush in his cheeks hidden.

"Did you go to Mirkwood last year?"

Bilbo's head popped up to meet the awkward boy, his head cocked and face pinched in curiosity. Bilbo shook his head in reply.

"Hmm. You look like this guy from Mirkwood that my friend made out with at a party once. He ended up drunk and throwing up on him just as their pants came off." The boy commented, the wild haired boy in front of him snorting a laugh as he twisted around to listen in. "You sure it wasn't you? You look just like him."

"Wasn't me." Bilbo exclaimed with another shake of his head, receiving a shrug from the light haired boy as he turned away.

The brunette observing their exchange made a waving motion behind him. "That's Ori. He asks inappropriate questions."

The boy, Ori, looked unabashed by the comment, reaching across the aisle to shake Bilbo's hand with a broad grin.

"I'm Kili." The brunette introduced himself, not offering his hand to Bilbo but a kind smile.

"Nice to meet you." Bilbo shyly accepted the introductions with a small grin. Maybe this making new friends business wouldn't be so hard after all.

"So if you're not from Mirkwood, then where did you come from?" Ori's inquired, likely still believing Bilbo was the guy with poor alcohol tolerance.

"The Shire. It's really small-"

"Oh, I've been through there before!" Kili chimed in. "On a trip to the coast. Small is an understatement."

"Are your curls natural?" Ori's reached across to Bilbo's honey colored ringlets falling around his eye, leaning in close. " I love your color. See, Kili, this is the color I want!"

Kili gave Bilbo a shrug. "See? He doesn't know the meaning of boundaries."

A large, bald man entered the room, dressed in a green polo and khakis. The shirt looked as if it would be crying from being stretched across his broad chest and the sleeves barely hanging on where they were wrapped around tattooed, tree trunk arms.

"Hey, Big D." Kili enthusiastically greeted the looming character by the doorway. Bilbo recognized the school principal right away, having encountered him when his mom brought him to the school to register. He made a vow to never piss that man off.

Principal Fundin offered a nod to Kili's greeting before scanning the room. "Where's your teacher?" His brow wrinkled at the absence of an adult in the room.

"I'm here! Don't panic! The traffic was horrible this morning." An eccentric haired man with full arms skid into the room, slamming into the back of the tattooed man, sending papers and coffee across the linoleum floors.

"Son of a bitc- OH! Dwalin!" The teacher corrected his scowl quickly as soon as he recognized who he had barreled into, clearing his throat and offering a more formal greeting. "Mister Fundin.... Good morning."

"Norman." The now coffee covered principal nodded, swooping down to help the teacher clean up the clutter of paper and dark roast liquid.

"I'm so sorry." Bilbo heard the teacher mutter under his breath, huffing a sigh as he moved to his desk with the soaked papers.

"Well," The principal straightened himself up, unsuccessfully wiping coffee from his trousers and calling attention to the class. "I wanted everyone to know that we have a new student in our school." Bilbo melted back into his seat, silently praying that there was another new student the man was talking about. "Bilbo Baggins."

Damn...

If he didn't have all eyes on him before they were definitely on him now. A fiery blush crept into his face as everyone stopped what they were doing to turn towards him.

"Welcome!" Mister Nori smiled at Bilbo. "I am certain everyone will do everything in their power to make you feel at home here."

Ori snorted and mumbled. "Not likely."

The teacher finally called for everyone's attention, taking the heat off Bilbo at last as he began writing a series of equations on the whiteboard. Unconcerned with what was occurring in front of him, Kili turned around to snatch Bilbo's schedule off his desk, looking it over with critical eyes.

"What's your next class?" Kili asked unnecessarily as he looked over Bilbo's day. "Good grief you're taking senior classes? Are you a brainiac or something?"

"Um, not exactly." Bilbo whispered back, copying everything down that Mister Nori wrote on the board. "I think I have health with Coach Bombur next." The two boys beside him shared a look and nodded in unison, their grins turning mischievous.

"I think that's in the back building." Kili said to Ori before turning back to Bilbo.

"Mhm. Yeah, that's in the back building." Ori added with the same conniving look as Kili. "We'll take you!"

Something told Bilbo they were plotting, but he didn't have a huge selection of people falling over themselves to be his friend. He'd just have to go with the flow. Live a little... Or something like that. He nodded.

"Okay. Thanks!"

 

* * *

 

There was no back building. In fact, he wasn't even in class. The first day and he was already skipping. His mother would be so proud of him.

But he didn't complain. Kili and Ori, class ditching aside, seemed like really good people. After guiding Bilbo through the halls, throwing elbows and efficiently steering them to a door that exited the chaotic school, they settled across from a small practice field under a large oak. Kili lounged back into the grass with a content sigh and a note pad, immediately focusing on the paper and pen in his hand while Ori leaned back against the thick trunk. Bilbo settled beside them, not knowing what to say so he took an opportunity to observe his new comrades.

Ori had the look of a timid and quiet individual but he was quite boisterous. Borderline flamboyant in a way. He made himself known in the hall as they maneuvered Bilbo through the crowd, Ori's voice calling for everyone to 'get the hell out of the way' as he pushed through. It was tough not to like Ori. With the exception of his hair, which seemed to be growing out from a style that could only be labeled as trendy, Ori was sharply dressed and clean cut. Bilbo would bet that the boy had meticulously planned out his outfits ahead of time depending on the social function or the forecast. His socks matched perfectly with the lavender button up he wore and his dark wash jeans looked starched and ironed. Not a wrinkle in sight from his waist, held up by a matching belt, down to his shoes.

Kili, well... Kili was the sort of attractive that would easily afford him the title of heartbreaker. All the same, he came off as a down to earth person. It made Bilbo wonder if the boy knew just how ridiculously handsome he was. Kili was more laid back than Ori, and a bit unkempt but it suited him just fine. He had no problem with wrinkled jeans, and his well worn T-shirt with a band logo plastered on the front hung comfortably over his slender but strong frame. There was a permanent smirk the resided on Kili's face and a look that just screamed 'bad boy'. Bilbo found it intriguing instead of intimidating.

They genuinely seemed interested in being his friend and Bilbo was surprised to find himself equally enthusiastic about fitting in with the odd twosome. He felt comfortable with them, and didn't feel the overwhelming need to impress them with exaggerated stories just to get them to like him.

“Won’t we get in trouble for this?” Bilbo tentatively questioned, not wanting to seem too uncool to his new friends, but his Baggins sensibility liked to avoid trouble at all cost.

“Pfft, no.” KIli leaned up from his place on the ground, eyes still focused on the notepad and his hand drawing vigorously. “They only notice if you’re late. They won’t notice if you don’t show up.”

Bilbo didn’t feel reassured, but left it alone.

“We’ll tell you everything you need to know about surviving here.” Ori said, popping the top of a soda that he fished out of his bag, handing it to Bilbo before grabbing one for himself. “Stick with us and you’ll be fine.”

Kili made a humming sound in his throat. “You’re lucky we got to you first. Who knows what sort of trouble you could've gotten in if you fell in with the wrong crowd.”

Bilbo had to wonder what the wrong crowd looked like. Here he was skipping class on his first day, missing who knows what in health class. It could be something that would show up on a final. Nevertheless, he stayed put.

“There’s a ‘wrong crowd’ I could fall in here?’ Bilbo asked, imagining people dressed in all black with piercings and bright purple hair. The wrong crowd at his old school consisted of a few misfits that smuggled cigarettes from their parents and got together after school to smoke them.

“You have no idea.” Kali mumbled, turning the paper in front of him to finish up whatever it was he was drawing.

Students began filing out onto the field in front of them, dressed in unflattering gym shorts and Erebor High T-shirts. Bilbo was thankful he wasn't required to take gym. His past experiences in the class had been an embarrassment of epic proportions and he sent a silent thanks towards the heavens for not having to relive it again.

Clusters of student began forming, all the little cliques convening together and paying no attention to the teacher frantically blowing a whistle and yelling words that probably were inappropriate for a high school.

“Oh my God.” Ori’s jaw was slack and his face twisted in disbelief as he gazed across the field. “Will you look at Thranduil’s gym clothes? I mean, how does he get away with walking around like that?”

Bilbo and Kili followed Ori’s gaze to a tall boy with long blonde hair cascading down his bare back. The boy was shirtless and wearing shorts so tight Bilbo could see the outline of something rather impressively sized from clear across the field. Thranduil's expression was uncaring and his nose pointed up as he scanned the area, his lips twisting into a smug mile when a few boys whistled as they passed him by.

“Who is he?” Bilbo gaped at the tall figure, not entirely certain what he was seeing, trying to keep his eyes away from the distractingly short shorts the boy wore.

“That is Thranduil Greenwood.” Kili answered with a roll of his eyes and a shake of his head. “Dumb as a box of rocks. Ori sits next to him in English.”

“He asked me how to spell ‘orange’.” Ori said with an impossible amount of aggravation. “He a senior. He and his other nightmare friends.”  Bilbo still watched the tall boy as he made his way to another blonde. This one was shorter and broader than the one called Thranduil, and was at least wearing shorts that extended to his knees. The other blonde had his hair pulled back in a short ponytail with a few braids hanging loose from the knot. He sported a goatee and a pair of azure eyes that sat under a furrowed brow. The boy looked handsome and angry all at once and equally dangerous with his powerful build.

“What about him?” Finding himself obsessively curious, Bilbo subtly pointed towards the short blonde, drawing Ori and Kili’s eyes to hi query.

Kili made a frustrated sound, twisting away sharply. “His name is Philip Durin.”

Bilbo faltered at hearing the boys last name, glancing at the top of Kili’s notebook where it read _‘Killian Durin’_ in artistic script.

Ori must have seen the realization in Bilbo’s face because he nodded. “Kili’s brother. He goes by Fili. He knows everyone and just about everything about everyone. Usually stuff people don’t want anyone else to know”

“He’s a fucking ass.” Kili spit out venomously. Bilbo raised his brows at Kili’s obvious dislike for his brother, wondering what happened between them to forge such an immense gap.

Ori just smiled, gazing dreamily at Fili. “An ass he may be, but he’s awfully nice to look at.” Kili made a gagging noise at Ori’s comment. “He’s like a book of secrets. I would love to flip a few of his pages.”

Before Bilbo could comment the crowds seemed to part, a boy with raven hair and crystal blue eyes sauntering through like he owned the place. A chill ran down Bilbo’s spine as the new arrival walked toward the blondes that were the obsession of their conversation, a commanding presence rolling off the boy in waves.

“Who, uh, who is that?” Bilbo watched the boy in awe as he leveled a passerby with a stare that could scorch the flesh off your bones.

“That,” Ori narrowed his eyes. “Is Thorin Oakenshield.”

Thorin Oakenshield. The name even sounded intimidating. Bilbo shivered.

“He is evil in human form.” Kili growled as they watched the group move across the field, throwing ‘fuck off’ glares to anyone who got in their path. “When the day comes for Thorin Oakenshiled to go to hell, the devil will bow in his presence.”

Bilbo couldn't imagine someone being that bad. They were all attractive, sure. Perhaps a bit rude considering the way they shoved through the crowd without a care, but nothing like what Ori and KIli described.

“He doesn’t look that bad.” Bilbo murmured, receiving twin looks of shock from Ori and KIli.

“He’s the worst. He’s the meanest son of a bitch that you will ever have the misfortune to meet.” Kili insisted, digging his fingers into the grass like he was tempted to punch something.

Ori made a sound of agreement. “Everyone thinks he flawless. He has a nice car, nice clothes. Not to mention hair that looks straight out of a shampoos commercial.”

“He fucking punched me in the face one time and then acted like I should thank him for the pleasure.” KIli added, staring daggers across the field to the trio that was now sitting at the highest point of the bleachers, looking as if they were ruling over the gym class.

“They're basically royalty here. The three kings. Especially Thorin.” Ori sighed, leaning back against the tree and trying to ignore Kili’s now dour mood. “He’s always picked first. For everything. Plus, he’s been chosen as the Spring Fling King since his freshman year.”

“Who fucking cares!’ Kili growled, prompting Ori’s shoulders to stiffen and Bilbo to look between between them in awkward silence.

“I do! The Spring Fling King and Queen head up the student council and since I am an active member," Ori leaned in to make his point. "I care a great deal about it!"

Kili had the wherewithal to look apologetic, but didn't retract his previous assertion. He leaned up to Bilbo's side, plopping a notebook on their knees and tearing his attention away from the unusual trio. Bilbo looked down in awe at a map that would make the most famous cartographer proud. Kili's finely draw piece showed every detail of Erebor High, down to the tables in the cafeteria. The words _‘Bilbo Boggins’ guide to Erebor High’_ were written across the top of the page. Bilbo didn't have the heart to tell Kili about the misspelling on the boys masterpiece.

“Alright,” Kili leaned in with a serious tone that had Bilbo’s full attention. “This is what you need to know."

 

* * *

 

Bilbo survived the first half of his day after parting ways with KIli and Ori without too much difficulty. His chemistry teacher, Mister Dori, was a bit manic with his silver hair sporting multiple braids and sprayed with enough Aquanet to start a bonfire. He was able to catch up right away having already studied the coursework in his old school. Mister Dori seemed pleased about not having to catch him up on the subject matter, returning to his beakers filled with ominous, bubbling liquids.

History was interesting. The teacher was a bit wild with his gestures and would go off on a tangent of his own interpretation of the chapter they were reading. Mister Bifur, an old war veteran with a gnarly scar across his forehead was quite the entertaining individual. Right in the middle of their discussion on the Great War, he demanded they shut their books and he went off in an explanation of how to properly strategize and how the Generals had their positioning all wrong. Bilbo quite liked Mister Bifur.

The bell signaling lunch was welcome. He had barely eaten that morning. The nerves twisting his gut as he confronted his first day had eased into a grumbling hunger by midday. Walking into the cafeteria, Bilbo searched for his new friends, recalling the map Kili had drawn for him earlier. He was taken aback by how accurate it truly was.

A table filled with younger kids sat near the entrance, the group obviously freshman. The table next to them was filled with girls and boys in military attire, all of them looking stern and rather uninviting. ROTC. Kili’s voice swirled in his brain, giving a name to each group as he passed.

Bilbo moved further into the cafeteria, noting the students all gathered at their respective tables as he recalled Kili’s map, swimming through the sea of jocks, nerds, attractive, and unattractive teenagers. Avoiding a table filled with students practically eating each other's faces in heavy make out sessions, Bilbo finally spotted Kili and Ori at the table along the far wall. Kili made a waving motion beckoning Bilbo to their table. A warm bubble settled in his belly. So happy to have someone to sit with, he nearly ran into a stocky boy in a hat in his haste, receiving a leering gaze.

“New guy, eh?” The words had a smooth twist to them, the boy in the hat cocking his brow and giving Bilbo an appreciative look. “I’m the official welcome wagon here at Erebor High. How would you like for me to take you for a ride later?”  Bilbo could hear the hidden innuendo in the query, a flush burning through him as he struggled for an answer.

“Is he bothering you?”

A deep, almost toe curling voice drew Bilbo’s attention. He realized he had paused right in front of the table he was advised to avoid at all cost. Thorin's blue, somewhat cold eyes stared down the boy in the hat, seemingly waiting for reply from Bilbo.

“I, uh-‘

“Bofur why are you bothering him?" Thorin asked in a sinister tone, his brow arched to perfectly convey just how annoyed he was.

Bofur didn't seem bothered by the question, nor the looks he was receiving from the trio sitting at the table. "I was just being nice, Thorin."

"Are you?" Thorin deadpanned. "It looks to me like you're bothering this poor guy with your skeevy lines to get into his pants." Thorin turned his gaze back to Bilbo. "Are you going to have sex with him?"

Bilbo's face screwed up into a look of revulsion. "No!"

Bofur looked a bit insulted by Bilbo's quick answer, deflating just a little from the overconfident façade he showed earlier.

"Well, that's settled." Thorin looked quite pleased with himself, leaning backwards in his chair and offering a dismissive wave to Bofur. "Why don't you do us all a favor and go be 'nice' somewhere else. I'm sure there's some trash behind the building willing to suck that little cock of yours."

"Fuck you." Bofur muttered, but had the right idea and walked away before things got any worse.

Bilbo stood frozen for a moment, wondering if he should thank Thorin or make a quick escape. His decision was made for him.

"Sit down, new guy." Thorin kicked a chair out from under the table, nodding to it with an impassive expression. Not desiring to bring the wrath he just witnessed on himself, Bilbo obeyed, setting his lunch on the table and keeping his eyes on Thorin's curious gaze. "What's your name?"

"Uh, B-Bilbo. Baggins." He croaked, silently cursing his awkwardness. "Bilbo Baggins."

A smirk tugged Thorin's lips, his brow arching again and disappearing below the dark tendrils of hair that fell over his forehead. "Where did you come from Bilbo Baggins?"

"I just moved here from Shire." Bilbo replied, his hand nervously twitching towards the inhaler in his pocket, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. "It's a very small town. Probably never heard of it."

The two blondes flanking Thorin looked as confused as Bilbo felt, wondering why he had been invited to sit at their table and questioned. He wasn't finding the evil vibes Kili and Ori described from Thorin. Simply curiosity. Plus, he saved Bilbo from the creepy guy.

"So I'm guessing you've never been to such a big school before." Thorin commented, turning his eyes to the nachos in front of him and plucking up a chip drenched in cheese. "Must be quite a culture shock."

"So, like, you're used to going to school in something like a barn or whatever." Thranduil added, appearing confused by his own words, looking to Thorin and Fili for confirmation. "Isn't that what they do in small towns? Or is it they go to school and church in the same place?"

"You're not one of those weird religious people are you?" Fili ask cautiously, leaning away like he thought Bilbo would whip out a bible at any second.

"No, it's not that small." Bilbo chuckled, finding the line of questioning a bit odd but his apprehension began to alleviate. "It's definitely strange being in a place so big, but we had a normal school. And church was separate. There were only about five hundred people in my previous school."

The three boys looked at him with expressions ranging from shock to pity. Thorin leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table.

"You must have had a good deal of friends there being such a small place." Thorin mused, a calculating look coming and going before Bilbo could really catch it. "You're rather handsome. I'm certain people just loved being around you."

Bilbo's stomach gave a flutter at being called handsome by someone as attractive as Thorin. With the exception of his mom, no one had ever called him handsome. He was, however, quick to correct the assumption of popularity.

"Actually, I was a bit of a loner." Bilbo felt his face heat up as he spoke, unable to meet their eyes. "I had friends, but not a lot, and I definitely wasn't told I was handsome when I was there."

Thorin quietly stared at Bilbo for a second before leaning back. The three boys looked at one another, silently communicating something amongst themselves. Bilbo took the chance to look toward Kili and Ori while the three were distracted, seeing two looks of confusion and horror in their eyes. Ori mouthed a silent 'what are you doing?' to Bilbo, but before he could answer the three at the table turned back to him with overly kind smiles on all their faces.

"We don't do this often," Thorin began.

"We want you to sit with us." Fili said with a tone that said he couldn't care less.

"For the rest of the week." Thranduil, who could rival Ori in his flamboyance, bounced in his seat like he had just found a new toy. It was later that Bilbo would realize that he was in fact a new toy to them.

"Um," Bilbo looked frantically between his friends at the other table and the three before him, wondering if he should discuss this new development with Kili and Ori before jumping into anything. "Thanks, but I-"

"So it settle then." Thorin said, allowing no room for arguments. Bilbo's jaw slammed shut around his decline of their invite, smiling tightly and nodding in agreement before he knew what he was doing. "We'll see you tomorrow."

The three boys stood from the table, leaving Bilbo a bit taken aback and at a loss for what to do next.

"Oh, by the way," Thranduil paused just as they all rounded the table, his face dead serious. "On Wednesdays, we wear pink."

**Author's Note:**

> I have no regrets.


End file.
